We left off on my love life, which I think provided the perfect cliffhanger. Let’s make this easier for me to write without wandering, and surely easier to read, using… categories! Love, Friends and Family, Education, Future Plans
So, there’s Jack. In short, I screwed up and took the easier path the last time we hooked up. I admire him so much I think I’ll explode whenever he speaks. I can’t think straight around him. I feel like an infatuated teenager. I want so badly to know him and for him to know and to want to know me. So the problem is? I’m not sure I’ve done sufficient penance for our last rendezvous; I wasn’t upfront with him about how I was dating and I led him on only to turn around and choose the other guy. I’m not sure if he felt hurt, but I am sure that my behavior was hurtful and dishonest. We agreed this time that this is casual. Also, he still has feelings for an ex in Texas. He is one of my dearest friends. I am trying. Balance is hard. Not acting like a crazy person is hard.
Friends & Family:
Should probably break these into two separate categories, but I’m hoping smushing them into one will force me to keep it brief. The small network of friends I have here is of the highest quality. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had truly wonderful friends in every stage of my life so far. The difference here I think is in the group-ness. Every group of friends I’ve had seemed to keep me in the outfield. Always within reach and often looked to for one-on-ones, but only in the thick of the game some of the time. Perhaps that feeling was more my adolescent neurosis than an actual lack of kinship. We may never know. Anywho, these guys are the real deal. We have a group thread entitled the Family, a friend we all call Dad, two we keep in touch with long-distance, etc. Most importantly, each of these people is genuinely good. Wtf is “good” supposed to mean?? Well, I’m thinking like a generally thoughtful way of caring for people. That’s the best I got at the moment. To be continued…
Family: I guess we are breaking it up. My parents have been disgruntled roommates who dislike each other for some 20+ years. My sister and best friend recently married her high school sweetheart. They all live in SoCal. I call my mom almost daily, and I if I don’t she calls to check in. My dad doesn’t contact me, and I only contact him when I need something. No bad blood there [anymore], we have just never really talked much. I’m sure there’s far more to be said here but let’s move on for now.
I am a first-generation college student. I got into an ivy league university in 2010, took a medical leave of absence in 2012, and dropped out in 2014. I just finished up three courses at a community college. I may now have taken too many units in total to be eligible for transfer to a UC. All of my friends graduated in four years and I know I shouldn’t compare myself to them nor should I allow the comparison to make me feel inadequate, but alas, here we stand. I am surrounded by the successful, the happy, the fulfilled, the clearly wonderfully bright-futured, and I can’t keep the feelings of self-pity from occasionally bogging up in my brain. I’m working on taming these feelings. I am not inadequate. I am not a failure. I am intelligent. I am good. I have a bright future. I work hard and I will get there.
Future Plans: Get an internship that might improve my chances of getting into Berkeley. Apply to Berkeley. Earn my B.A. Grad school maybe? Work my way into a career that is both fulfilling and lucrative. Discover and pursue my passion(s). Improve my credit score, buy a house, choose a life partner and maybe raise some kids. I think marriage is whooey but I absolutely want a life partner and if mine wants marriage then I’d be down.
More later. I’ve got a final to work on and sleep to sleep.
❤ Ta-ta for now
Daily Appreciation: Today I felt extra appreciative of the people in my life who think of me. I received a package last night from my aunt and uncle, complete with snacks and a hand-written Christmas card, and it gave me all the warm fuzzy feelings. I met them a few years ago when they took me in over Fall break, fed me, and paid my train fare back to campus. They have dozens of nieces and nephews and it feels good to be thought of by relatively distant family members. This afternoon a friend texted asking if I might like to accompany her visiting sister. On the one hand, I was probably just the most likely to be available on a Tuesday afternoon. On the other hand, she thought of me and deemed me worthy of her sister’s company. Jack invited me to his office holiday party and to a friend’s birthday shindig that I hadn’t heard about yet. It feels good to be remembered, gifted, introduced, invited. I appreciate you for reaching out. Will make efforts to reach out more.