Aloha! + Fears and Desires

snapchat-1937135948Writing you now from the island of Maui where I am healing rather quickly. The swelling on my head has gone down significantly, leaving only bruises and scrapes. I was out in the water today and a surf instructor called me “Blackeye.” I am adopting this nickname for sure.

I remember some years ago a psychologist handed me a piece of paper and asked me to fill it out. There were two questions I left blank: 1. What do you fear and 2. What do you want? Each had four lines below and anticipated four answers. She thought it was interesting that I’d left them unanswered and even more interesting  that my reason was simply that I didn’t know what I feared and wanted. Recently I’ve discovered that my answers to these overlap. I am most afraid of the things that I want most. I am terrified of becoming a mother and wife because I might not be a good mother or wife and I might be unhappy in those roles. On the other hand I think I would be severely unsatisfied with the life I lived if at 85 years old I looked back and had never started a family. What could be more fulfilling than the love of/for a child and life partner? Maybe I would be satisfied with just one of the two. I am afraid of postpartum depression. I am afraid of ending up in a loveless marriage like my parents. I am afraid of screwing up my child/ren. I am afraid of loving and losing that love, like my parents lost my brother. I want to have a family. I want a life partner and I want a child. I want to love someone with complete abandon. I want to decide on someone. I want to show my child the unconditional love that my mom has always shown me. I want to know someone fully and I want to grow with them. I want to experience passion. I want to know stability without fearing stagnation.

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