Writing in the interest of “just getting it all out.”
When it comes to expressing my emotions, at best I’m a coward and at worst, a menace. Every time Jack and I have talked about our feelings or what exactly we’re doing together, I’ve initiated the conversation over text message even though we see each other very frequently. Initially I was frankly a shitty person to everyone involved and I’m still [very pleasantly of course] surprised by Jack’s forgiveness and continued friendship. So what? I feel more strongly for him than vice versa. Which is fine and probably good for me considering it’s always the other way around with me. Why? Because I’m a coward when it comes to emotions and when given the choice, I have always chosen the path that is less likely to end in my heartbreak. I have very serious feelings for Jack and I’m obviously very vulnerable to ultimately getting hurt by this arrangement. This is obvious because, as I’ve told you, the last time I told him how I felt, he responded by letting me know that he still has feelings for his ex. That was a couple months ago. We haven’t touched the subject since. I’d like to think we could have a future together but I also understand that that’s objectively naive and if I were reading this on someone else’s blog I’d probably write in to advice her to gtfo while she still can. But alas, I chose not to. I still do. I’m clinging to an unlikely fantasy perhaps because I at least have the comfort of knowing that we will remain friends regardless of how this ends.
Anyway, the only reason I’m all worked up about this is because I was recently advised to tell him again how I feel and I know that’s totally solid advice and I should definitely follow it. Today Jack and I were at a friend’s Super Bowl gathering and I started texting him flirtatiously, as we often do. This time however, he didn’t play along. There is no reason why I should take that personally. But that, coupled with his regular response of “you’re welcome to stay” when I ask if he wants me to stay at his place, brings up my [probably well-founded] anxiety about getting hurt at the end of all this.
So, do I enjoy the ride while I can? Or do I ask to revaluate our arrangement? I thought about saying to him that I’m satisfied as is and that I do have serious feelings for him. But that doesn’t quite sound honest does it. If I were truly satisfied then I wouldn’t have anything to bring up. So am I unsatisfied? Can one be simultaneously satisfied and hopeful for more? For now, I know that I am worked up and to say anything in this moment would be rash. So we wait. Hopefully sleep.
Take care of yourselves ❤